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Vanilla Ice; Lessons in Manhood; Candelabras

We were tempted to run for the hills when the headline "Furniture Takes a Manly Turn" flashed across the front page of the Times' Home & Garden section this morning. Alas, we'll suck it up for you, dear reader, and index the must-knows and must-reads so you don't have to know or read it yourself. Deep breath, sip of small-batch, bio-dynamically grown Syrah—no, it's not too early to drink—and here we go:

· Worst first three words of a story: Joost van Bleiswijk.
· Totally inappropriate use of an Urban Dictionary staple: He used to make shiny, highly polished pieces that gleamed like prerecession bling, or a Manhattan skyscraper built before the crash.

· Proof of a small, East Coast, liberal arts education: It has a "rough-hewn, virile and heavy-lifting aesthetic," Mr. Moss said, albeit one that is sensitively rendered or considered, a nod to the history and semiotics of the word “butch.” (“Make Me,” reads the invitation, illustrated by a photo of a shirtless and ambiguously gendered individual wielding an ax. We’ll get to the queer-studies stuff later.)
· Biggest TMI moment: Mr. Bemis and Ms. Lieberg are both 27. They met while working on a dude ranch in Montana, and are to be married in January in an octagonal dairy barn near Ms. Lieberg’s hometown, Portland, Ore. Their relationship is based on many things, including a free-spirited appetite for new ZIP codes and temporary living arrangements: in Aspen, Colo., they lived in a garage apartment and worked as a bellhop (Mr. Bemis) and spa aesthetician (Ms. Lieberg), and spent their free time skiing. They had a similar lifestyle in Bend, Ore.
· Headline so terrifying we didn't even read the story: Vanilla Ice, on His New Reality TV Series
· Vaguest direct quote: "“Our furniture choices really reflect either a level of historical significance or all-out performance," Mr. Dunbar said.
· Most egregious price point: $650 for an Antoine candelabra by Dovetusai Studio.
· Really-stretching-it lede: In the well-appointed kitchen, the hot-water dispenser has traditionally played the role of the quiet, capable student who sits at the back of the class — reliable but unassuming.
· Best good-person-to-know moment: Richard Miller, a sculptor in eastern Pennsylvania, has been making home furnishings for two decades, ever since he fashioned a vase out of a glacial boulder as a present for a friend, and got hooked.
· Yuppiest text block: See caption above.

· Home & Garden [NYT]