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Portland's Not All Portlandia, But Keep It Hush-Hush

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The new half-hour comedy Portlandia—starring SNL alum Fred Armisen and former Sleater-Kinney frontwoman Carrie Brownstein (above)—gets its laughs from the self-serious, hyper-organic, ever-green denizens of Portland, Oregon. But surely, amid all this artisanal obsessiveness, there must be some cracks in the facade. Namely, Portland residents who eschew the green roof, the studied subtlety, the walkability score. So we hunted around for some of the least energy-efficient, least bike-friendly, most (dare-we-say) glamorous homes in the Portland area. Now, hopefully, this won't spur a flash mob, because—though we'd never utter these words on Mississippi Avenue—we kind of like this stuff. Not to mention, we're all for a town where drinking and politics commingle with such shamelessness.

? First up is this 1922 Tudor-style estate in PDX's country club-heavy Dunthorpe neighborhood. Though the sprawling facade is partially concealed by trees, there's no mistaking the over-the-top luxury inside, particularly in that voluminous home theater. Portlandia gripe: $6.9M! You'd better save some cash for the carbon offset credits, not that those count or anything.

? Next, there's this "ultimate Portland penthouse," which is actually just a house. Asking $4.9M, the glass-walled three-bedroom hideaway is tucked in the hills above downtown. The topographical superiority alone would, we'd like to think, entice a local locavore, but it does beg the question: Is there such a thing as locally sourced Carrara marble? We think not.

? This $6M 10,700-square-foot Plantation-style manse is located not far from downtown, but it's a world away from the Portlandia vibe. For one, it looks a bit like Mom's house, what with the pastels and all. If the "dream of the 90s" is alive in Portland, this is the nightmare. Not to mention that greenhouse is just too damn small. You can't grow eight varieties of beans in there!

? Finally, the worst offender. This $2.5M Craftsman-style home in Goose Hollow is just a short fixed-gear ride into downtown, but oh, the shame! It's a fake, a sham, a fraud, just not real. The home went up last year and sadly there's the Google Streetview photo to prove it (below). Imagine the horror on your friends' faces when they look your address up on the smartphone connected to their handlebars and find this chemical toilet gracing the front lawn. You'll be run out of town. Then again, if this sort of thing is your cup of fair-trade chai tea, packing up might not be the worst idea.

· Guild Public House to air Obama's State of the Union Speech [Eater PDX]
· The Dream of the 90s Is Alive in Portland [YouTube]
· 1837 SW Greenwood Road [JMA Properties]
· 1305 NW Myrtle Court [JMA Properties]
· 4700 SW Humphrey Boulevard [JMA Properties]
· 2007 SW 19th Avenue [JMA Properties]