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Remote Properties Charlie Sheen Should Have Bought

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When it was announced today that embattled actor Charlie Sheen had purchased a $7.5M home down the street from his current residence in L.A., we couldn't help but think his money could have been better spent elsewhere, preferably outside of paparazzi range. The loudmouth egoist would be better off sequestered in some long-forgotten corner of the globe, with miles between him and the nearest microphone. So, Charlie, here are some suggestions to get you and your fellow rockstars from Mars out of the limelight and into a cave.

? The Mantle Cave, set amid 525 acres of privately held land inside the 225,000 acre Dinosaur National Monument, would surely provide the seclusion we'd all prefer Charlie had at this point. The accompanying ranch, fittingly known as Mantle Ranch, is one of a handful of so-called inholdings—private claims that sit within the boundaries of federally protected lands—and features a rustic log home, a bunkhouse, and stables. Plus the sheer rock cliffs of the surrounding canyon would prevent any unwanted visitors from dropping by, and Charlie from taking radio interviews via cellphone. Plus, detachment won't cost any more than he's looking to spend in Beverly Hills. Mantle Ranch is asking $7.5M.

? On the other hand, if Charlie is unwilling to give up some of his narcotic predilections, we say ship him south of the border, where at least he can get his fix beyond the reach of U.S. law enforcement. Not that the G-Men are unfamiliar with this particular ranch—it once hosted President Ronald Reagan. For sale for $9.6M, Cerro Colorado ranch comprises an astonishing 32,123 acres of deeded and fenced land, and, in addition to a comfortable main house, boasts a brick chapel where Sheen can find daily salvation.

? And if he couldn't be convinced to leave his precious California, Charlie could instead bed down at this century-old ranch north of Lake Tahoe. The Bonta Ranch consists of 1,130 acres of rolling terrain, a refurbished ranch headquarters, and a stone cave perfect for riding out violent withdrawal-related episodes, provided he ever manages to ween himself off the drug called "Charlie Sheen." Cost for staying in Cali? $4.45M.
· Charlie Sheen Buys New Mediterranean Manse; Photos REVEALED! [Curbed National]
· A Brief History of Charlie Sheen's Homes and Sheenanigans [Curbed National]
· Mantle Ranch [Mir Ranch Group]
· Cerro Colorado, Mexico [Mir Ranch Group]
· Historic Bonta Ranch [Lands of California]