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Curbed Guides: How to be a Positively Horrible Roommate

So, you've found the rental of your dreams, but you'll never be able to afford it on your own. What to do? For millions of people across the country, the answer is living with roommates, which can take of the form of old friends, semi-acquaintances, or weirdos you found on Craigslist. Living with roommates is like being a contestant on Survivor except everyone is less attractive, there are no fun games arranged for you, and people get voted off the island much less frequently. One approach that you can take it to try and shame your roommates into behaving by always cleaning up after yourself, being respectful of everyone's privacy, eating only the food that you paid for, not breaking things, etc. This is calling Being A Martyr and it is not recommended. A much more realistic approach is to do the opposite of all those things. That way, you never have to be mad at anyone! Here now, Curbed's Guide To Being The Worst Roommate You Can Possibly Be.

How To Get Your Dishes Washed For You:
Dishes are basically a game of chicken. Somebody has to wash them. Eventually. The key here is to refuse to wash, or even acknowledge the existence of dishes, even when there is nothing left to eat food off of. At that point, you can turn to alternate dish types (tupperware, pieces of cardboard) and when those run out, just eat everything with your hands. It's only a problem if you really like pasta.

How To Make Noise Constantly:
Silence, even in small doses, is uncomfortable and unsettling. That's why it's important to always be making some sort of noise. Playing music, watching TV, playing videogames, or doing all three at the same time are all great methods of noise-making. However, neither you nor your roommates are going to be near the TV/your computer at all times, so unless you want to carry around a boombox on your shoulder like Radio Raheem—great idea, actually—you'll need other ways of making sure that the people who live with you are constantly aware of your ability to create sound. One method is singing or whistling to yourself. That's nice for everyone involved because they get to mentally try to figure out what song you're approximating and it becomes a fun little game. Another method is to simply narrate everything you're doing in such a way that it does not invite conversation. Hm. This might be expired. Should probably throw it out. Don't know when I'm going to get to the store. Maybe I can risk it. Smells a little funny, though...

A List of Fun Passive Aggressive Things You Can Do Around the House:
· Clean your roommate's dishes loudly while he or she is sleeping
· Bring in the mail but put the important-looking stuff facedown under the junk
· Write your name in sharpie on every single egg
· Tear up the lease and move to Europe
· Write an article on the Internet about how terrible roommates are

How To Steal Food and Get Away With It:
The key to stealing food without anyone knowing you're stealing food is to remove amounts that are small enough that no one knows they're gone. This necessitates the making of meals using tiny quantities of widely disparate ingredients. Ever had a one piece of bread, one egg, one olive, a quarter inch of milk, and one spoonful of peanut butter sandwich? It tastes better than buying your own food.

How To Tell When Everybody Hates Your Music:
When they can hear it.
· All Renters Week 2012 coverage [Curbed National]