It should come as little surprise that the largest mansion for sale in New England, Farmington, Conn.'s 50 Poplar Hill Drive, is also the region's tackiest. First, there's the shoddy 1980s architecture, all 48,515 square feet of it. Then comes the horrid interior design, which alternates between overdone and under-furnished while always giving off a Bob's Furniture sort of vibe. It's the outrageous amenities that really push this place to number one though, like indoor and swimming pools, a racquetball court, an outdoor sports court, a home cinema, two-story master suite, an eight-car garage, and, in the ultimate tacky topper, a stone-lined grotto that looks like it was ripped from the Playboy mansion. Given that this place was built in 1985, we can't really blame the current owner, rapper 50 Cent, who has had the massive manse on the market for years now. It's a good thing he doesn't need the cash though. Even at a reduced $10M price, this place isn't going to sell very quickly.
? If 50 Cent's place was off-putting in its sheer size, this next house, a colonial revival south of Boston in Sharon, Mass., qualifies as one of the region's tackiest based on some absurd interior design choices. Downright hideous wallpaper lines nearly every wall, ranging from some frilly Victorian stuff to wild MagicEye-style black and white ceilings in one of the bedrooms. Worse yet, the sellers are trying to get someone to pay $2.5M for the obvious teardown, at least there are 3.5 acres of land to sweeten the deal.
? There are plenty of genuine historic mansions on the market in the ritzy town of Newport, R.I. at any given time, but, sadly, this is not one of them. Built in 2004, the fake Gilded Age manse looks like an upscaled doll house, with similarly shoddy attention to detail. Tasteless wrought iron, cheap-looking wood finishes, and gaudy furniture are all our eyes are drawn to in this $2.85M listing. By the numbers, the faker has three bedrooms, 3.5 baths, and 5,000 square feet on almost one acre.
? Maybe just maybe, when faced with selling an '80s contemporary for $19M on the water in Greenwich, Conn., a little staging is in order. The seller and/or broker behind this listing apparently didn't get that message, because the place looks like the crazy combination of styles that it is. Part Gordon Gekko part Tampa timeshare, the house is in dire need of a gut renovation. The location is impeccable, with 1.31 acres on Long Island Sound within easy range of NYC, and that must be what's justifying the huge listing price.
? Venture deeper into Connecticut, to South Glastonbury, and things get even crazier. Aside from the tacky marketing techniques—look you can land your helicopter here!—this epitome of confused 1990s architecture suffers on the inside and out. The facade is a strange mix of stone and McMansion-standard slat siding. The interiors, all 10,000 square feet of them, favor expense over style. Unsurprisingly, the price reflects that taste for the expensive, at a whopping $7M. We wonder if the bronze galloping horses on the front lawn are included in that price.
· 50 Poplar Hill Drive [William Raveis]
· Rapper 50 Cent Has 21 Questions Why His House Can't Sell [Curbed National]
· 14 Briggs Pond Way [Hammond Residential]
· 8 Ledge Road [Zillow]
· Greenwich Deep-Water Estate [Sotheby's International Realty]
· 321 Clark Hill Road [Zillow]