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Here Now, 10 Incredible One-Star Yelp Reviews of Ikea

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When it comes to Ikea, the magical land where opera troupes break into song, where monkeys in dapper coats run amok, and where otherwise solid relationships face extinction, there's a lot to love, and oh-so-much to, err, not love. Yes, to earn that wondrously inexpensive bookshelf one must first survive being unceremoniously dumped into a maze of children and slow walkers, a fact that's not lost on a band of angry Yelpers. Below: some rather well-worded one-star reviews by some of the country's most disgruntled Ikea customers, from those, uh, accosted by clowns to those with some choice words for company founder Ingvar Krampad.

Brooklyn, N.Y.: "So I'm waiting in the line with all my dumb hangers and whatnot, and I'm thinking about the economy, (why are we all here, none of us can afford this), thinking suicidal thoughts and looking around at everyone else who is also probably thinking suicidal thoughts, and I had the thought, 'It really couldn't get any worse than this.' WRONG. Know why? On my way out, I was ACCOSTED BY A CLOWN!!!! ... He was standing there in all his red-nosed, crazy-eyed, potential serial killer glory, blocking the entrance with his giant scary body. It gets worse, because he actually spoke to me, and I am pretty sure he had been sucking on a helium balloon, as if it wasn't horrifying enough. Thanks for shopping at IKEA? Have a nice day? I hope the security guards caught it on camera when I recoiled in horror and almost dropped my hand towels." [Katie B.]

New Haven, Conn.: "We walked in, and the kids were so excited that they did not even want to get locked in the child prison area." [Scott P.]

Atlanta: "Not sure about the direction you're headed in? Take a shortcut! Overwhelmed with the choices? Take two of everything! Feeling disoriented and dazed? That's the spirit! Man, you're so good at this! Not really one to follow directions? Don't worry, most items come without them!" [Vanessa T.]

San Diego, Calif.: "Where's McCarthy when you need him? Cuz I know he never would have let this shit go down. Need help with an item? No problem! "ASK COMRADE IN YELLOW SHIRT AND HE WILL PROVIDE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO HELP YOURSELF! Need a cart to push your items? NO! ALL CARTS HAVE BEEN PRE-ASSIGNED!" [Antonio G.]

Brooklyn, N.Y.: "Here's a tip for shopping at Ikea. Start with a narcotic of some kind, preferably a lot of it. Get all doped up so you don't notice what a bad time you're having there, how the crowds wander aimlessly through the different departments, picking things up and putting them down again, rubbing their hands on upholstered surfaces, bouncing on the display mattresses, wiping their noses on the drapes hung from the ceiling." [Ariane B.]

Centennial, Colo.: "You must start at the beginning and continue to the end like Homer's Odyssey, traversing every level of hell. The first rush is a big one, squishy elongated sofas and chaise lounges, compartmental books shelves and pillows and trinkets and tzotchkes and side tables and rugs and...and that's just the first chapter, Ulysses." [Jodie K.]

Emeryville, Calif.: "DAMN YOU Ingvar Krampad!!! Because for reals, if your ass does not feel like a hamster in a Habitrail as they make you walk through trails of cheap ass shit with no way out, I don't know what else would ... Now, I haven't 'thrown down' since high school but I swear to baby Jesus I wanted to just up and pop her one." [Lainie L.]

Portland, Ore.: "Ikea is a tempest that preys on illicit fantasies of adoring homeowners. It beckons to be enamored, it slithers its longs vile price tags around your hard earned income. It haunts your dreams, it eats at your soul." [Allison D.]

Woodbridge, Va.: "This place is the spawn of the Devil, or at least where he buys his shitty furniture, random assortment of cheap crap he doesn't need and dollar hot dogs." [Suzy D.]

Brooklyn, N.Y.: "I walked in and was guided up the escalator to hell. And there was no turning back... I mean that literally, no down escalator." [Marc A.]

· All Yelp Wanted posts [Curbed National]
· All Ikea coverage [Curbed National]