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No One Wants America's Tricked-Out Man-Baby Mansions

Since time immemorial, the obscenely rich self-styled demigods that control the planet have enshrined their own greatness in palaces filled with weird tasteless shit they like. Today, the only difference is these personal shrines have heated floors and Star Trek rooms and bar backsplashes depicting the entire cast of Cheers. A recent report from the Wall Street Journal would like to point out something you could have in no way guessed on your own: though it is easy enough to base your megamansion around your dream of riding a tube slide to the basement and going bowling there, it is not so easy to convince someone to take it off your hands for millions and millions of dollars.

The Journal begins with the story of software company CEO John Nugent, who built a mansion in Andover, Massachusetts, that one house blogger once had the gall to refer to as "bonkers," on account of its slide-equipped pool atrium and full-size indoor basketball court (complete with scoreboard, 30-second shot clock, and three rows of bleachers). These, along with an indoor bowling alley with a vintage scoring machine, and a "mural with images of Mr. Nugent's children, along with the family's dogs, cats, bird and pet rabbit," racked up a construction cost of about $6M. Unable to find a buyer willing to plunk down $6.5M for an oddly outfitted home in the Boston suburbs, he's now opted to go with a sealed-bid auction.

Nugent has fallen prey to a very common misstep of rich Americans: creating a "dream home suited to their specific tastes—without worrying about whether the resulting home will fit anyone else's," a phenomenon that one often finds "in areas of the country where real-estate prices are booming, making owners more confident their homes will sell no matter what." This is also facilitated "by the Internet, which gives owners access to lots of unconventional ideas with a few clicks." As easy as this would be to make fun of, Curbed is very familiar with this plight. In the interest of helping alleviate it, here is a list of things that sound pretty fun, but might actually lower the value of your home.

· McDonald's Play Place–style slides.
· Full-floor sports car showrooms.
· Old-timey town squares.
· Pools shaped like rare violins
· Candy rooms.
· Extravagant water features.
· Basement shooting ranges.
· "Teen lounges."
· Surprise Buddhas.
· Star Trek shrines.
· Medieval-themed home theaters.
· Eight-foot Neptune statues.
· Greco-Roman nightclubs.
· Casino rooms.
· Grottoes.
· Ice rinks.
· Indoor tennis courts.
· Jeffersonian three-car garages.
· Castle stuff.

You do you, though.

· Quirky Mansions Make a Tough Sell [WSJ]