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What Millionaires Wanted in 2014, According to Trend Pieces

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The rich are a culture not unlike our own, but also very much unlike our own, because they can afford the kind of things we can only dream of. Their desires are big news, because the fates of ordinary people are so wrapped up in them—think anyone trying to find affordable rent in Manhattan, or the people living on Larry Ellison's Hawaiian island. Because of this, and because reporting on their more obviously superfluous desires with a straight face is a great driver of internet traffic, there are more trend pieces written about the wealthy than any other part of society, leaving aside millennials. Here, according to that kind of writing, is what millionaires wanted this year.

· Their estate managers to do "everything from patrolling the tennis court to stretching the owner's Manolo Blahnik heels."
· Car condominiums where they can "hang out" with their vehicles.
· $250K greenhouses, some with dining tables that can seat up to 20.
· Medieval turrets, Western saloons, hobbit houses, and other themed amenities that (surprise!) often make their homes hard to sell.
· Multimillion-dollar Manhattan pieds-à-terre they rarely (if ever) set foot in.
· Bathrooms with floor-to-ceiling windows, the designers of which are polite enough to hold that "any exhibitionism is an unfortunate by-product" of enjoying the view.
· Luxury survival bunkers in old silos, while protesting that they are not the "tinfoil hat-wearing" types.
· Detached two-story home offices, crystal chandelier optional.
· $150K "gypsy caravans" with "gilded woodcarvings, cut glass mirrors and red velvet interiors."
· Surprise homes for their spouses, regardless of how those spouses tend to be stressed out and disappointed by them.
· Ski vacations in "super-chalets" that rent for up to $60K a day.
· Chateau-style mansions designed by Richard Landry.
· Fully tiled "wet rooms" for "that Roman bathing type of experience."
· Personal jumbo jets.
· Secret rooms (Drake loves his) that can be opened by "twisting a wine bottle, pulling a candlestick, pushing on a book."
· To leave their dogs at posh dog hotels with things like flat-screen televisions, "personal overnight attendants," on-site gourmet chefs, and spas offering blueberry facials and "pawticures."
· "Shoffices."

In 2014, individual millionaires also decided to announce plans to flip $90M New York City penthouses "for fun," purchase back estates they owned once before, buy up huge swaths of Hawaii, list $107M property portfolios in order to "simplify," rent a full floor of The Pierre hotel for $500K, outbid Jay Z and Beyoncé on tasteless spec homes, and move out of their dad's house.

What will the wealthy yearn for next year? (Seriously, let us know, these trend pieces don't write themselves.)