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Location: Sugar Land, Texas
The Skinny: The all-caps, block paragraph listing—as dense and subtle as a kiln-run brick—is the first sign that something in this house is so overwhelming that its broker has been reduced to chucking her thesaurus in favor of a impenetrable mass of typographically emphatic hyperbole: "DOUBLE GATES LEAD YOU INTO THE SECLUSION OF YOUR OWN PRIVATE WORLD OF LUXURY, WHERE THE 'CROWN JEWEL' OF PALM ROYALE AWAITS," it screams. And, to be fair, this is one of those rare occasions when this type of blunt-force brokerbabble does not oversell, as the first peek inside this 20,000-square-foot mega-manse reveals a soaring, cavernous foyer that features a two-story crystal chandelier, a fountain, two built-in aquariums, a stained-glass ceiling, and a sitting room whose lack of a hookah betrays either an unforgivable lack of imagination, or a photographer who was nervous about putting a "bong" in a Texas listing photo. The fun doesn't stop there in this "EPITOME OF LUXURY ON AN EPIC SCALE": there's a two-story master suite, a pair of gourmet kitchens, a generous helping of gold leafing, and a bar that looks like a Laser Tag arena lobby invaded an airport Marriott's ballroom. The nine-bedroom, 14-bathroom "MAJESTIC PLACE" is asking $12.8M, which also includes "1.7 ACRES OF THE MOST SOUGHT AFTER LAND IN SUGAR LAND."