Big time NFL players are celebrated for many reasons: famous model wives, signature end zone poses, and, you know, athleticism or whatever, but interior decorating prowess has absolutely never, ever in the history of the game been one of them. Thanks to bizarre artwork selections and amenities desired by every middle schooler with misinformation about how credit cards work, the average abode looks like a rabid man cave that's swallowed a McMansion whole. Hey, if it works for Tim Tebow, who just dropped $1.4M on a bloated Florida "golf estate," it could probably work for others. Below, a step-by-step guide to designing like the football greats, featuring Tom Brady, Kurt Warner, and Rob Gronkowski.
(↑) 1. Get the ball rolling with a truly terrible foyer. It effectively sets the tone for the rest of the home, and there's plenty of pro-inspiration to chose from.
(↑) 2. Next, find an enormous painting of a sassy cowgirl in repose and color coordinate the entire living room to match, just like former quarterback Kurt Warner did in the Paradise Valley, Ariz., pad he sold for $2.55M in early 2013.
(↑) 3. Take another note from Warner and install a replica of this studded, gunmetal wet bar. To balance out the priciness of that cowgirl statement wall, just frame whatever cocktail stock photography is on hand.
(↑) 4. Since you've already copied the better part of his living room, go ahead and snag Warner's private massage parlor, too. All jokes aside, it's probably clutch, post-game.
(↑) 5. Now frame a bunch of jerseys and hang them as decoration, like Chicago Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall has artfully done in his $4.8M home in Southwest Ranches, Fla.
(↑) As evidenced by his own $2.39M mansion in Leesburg, Va., former Washington Redskins tight-end Chris Cooley is also a fan of the style.
(↑) 6. Why not designate a nice quiet spot for pottery making? Here's where Cooley throws friendship mugs for his ex-teammates.
(↑) 7. The time has come to install some leather club chairs, unfortunate carpeting, and a projector for the all-important home theater. Bonus points are, of course, awarded for old-timey popcorn makers.
(↑) 8. In place of a boring old basement, put in a post-game disco hall, like the one New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton has in his groovy $3.4M Dallas palace.
(↑) 9. Not the partying type? Use that space for a ladylike lounge with very blue walls instead. Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver and return specialist DeSean Jackson won't mind if you copy the one in his $1.65M pad in Tarzana, Calif.
(↑) 10. Don't forget a grown-up playground like this number Tim Tebow uses to play Hot Lava.
(↑) 11. Should that jungle gym take up all your outdoor space, borrow a page from this $2.3M compound owned by Seattle Seahawk's Richard Sherman and pop in an indoor pool. Yes, the palm trees are mandatory.
(↑) 12. To top it all off, definitely install a koi-stocked moat. New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady might have sold his 'French Chateau via the Pacific Coast Highway' to Dr. Dre, but he'll always be remembered for it. Oh, that and the stone bridge and motor court that's "picturesque but not pompous."
· Tim Tebow Buys Golf Estate in Florida [Zillow Blog]
· NFL's DeSean Jackson Goes All The Way: Buys First Home in Los Angeles [Trulia Luxe Living]
· Reggie Bush Puts Los Angeles Estate On The Market For $6 Million [Trulia Luxe Living]
· $4.8 Million 17,000 Square Foot Mediterranean Mansion In Southwest Ranches, FL [Homes of the Rich]
· Richard Sherman Buys Maple Valley Mansion For $2.3M [Curbed Seattle]
· All NFL posts [Curbed National]