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Even Christian Grey's Virtual Reality Apartment Comes On Too Strong

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50 Shades of Grey, the world's very first Twilight fanfic BDSM classic, is going to debut in theaters very soon, which is why there's a virtual reality tour of Christen Grey's apartment on the internet. No one ever asked for it, that we know of, aside from the good marketing professionals at Universal Pictures, but it exists, and reckon with it we must.

So, close your eyes. Imagine, for a minute you're a bright-eyed ingenue/aspiring journalist. Riding the elevator up to Christian Grey's Seattle penthouse, you steel yourself against the surfeit of luxury "masculine" interior styling that awaits, because you know you're supposed to be taken in by it. However, as the elevator doors open—at this point in the online tour, you stop and sign the virtual reality consent form—it becomes abundantly clear that you infiltrated the very beating heart of the idealized American bachelor pad. Here's what you find there.

□ His piano plays one of two songs. The most bachelor.

□ The furniture is modern and severe, but it delights in small pops of color. Despite itself, it might even be described as "eclectic." The most bachelor.

□ There is a note on his sub-zero fridge. These are the only wines allowed. The most bachelor.

□ It's an open-plan apartment, for the man who doesn't need walls—physical or emotional. The most bachelor.

□ There's a midcentury thing with drawers that seems to say "yeah, I love Mad Men." The most bachelor.

□ An illustrated depiction of a loveseat. The most bachelor.

□ There's an upstairs room already done up for his newest conquest. The most bachelor.

□ Rules, the modern man has them. The most bachelor.

□ Marble. The most bachelor.

□ A variety of views to contemplate histrionically. The most bachelor.

□ Consent is inherent to everything you do. Christian Grey understands that no means no. The most bachelor.

□ A laptop that is totally not for looking at porn.The most bachelor.

Here's the trailer, for continued fangirling: