Welcome to Curbed's first gift guide, wherein our editors sort through a retail landscape rife with tech, toys, textiles, trinkets, and tchotchkes. This year we're shopping for some rather specific recipients—though we think you'll find the gift selection broadly appealing. Shop on!
Buying presents shouldn't be the most stressful thing in the world, but then again, there are always those one or two people who are impossible to shop for. Maybe you have a cousin who started her own company and is, infuriatingly, now a millionaire, or a gadget-obsessed friend who is three steps ahead of anything you could possibly buy him. Never fear: here's a list of gifts for the person who already has everything he or she could possibly want.
Nickeled Bronze Screw • Free-Standing Fireplace • Rotary Phone Napkin Dispenser Lamp • Swing Table • Hairy Thing • Earbud 18 Carat Rose Gold • The Balloon • Homo Sapien Chalkboard Skull • Carl Aubock Oversized Paperclip
Nickeled Bronze Screw
by Mantiques Modern
$325 at The Line
A good rule of thumb here is: if it's expensive, it must be good. Hence, the Nickeled Bronze Screw from Mantiques Modern. It might look like a normal screw, but in actuality it is a slightly-larger-than-normal screw.
Freestanding fireplace
by Bio-Blaze
$802.54 at All Modern
Fireplaces are fun, but what if they were right in the middle of the room and you could accidentally kick them over? Best case scenario: the person you buy this fireplace for accidentally starts a small fire and burns up some of their possessions, and then you have things to buy for them next year.
Rotary Phone Napkin Dispenser Lamp
by Dog Tag Designs
$1,200 at Supermarket
Something that you are not likely to ever hear is, "Thank you for the old-fashioned telephone that has been turned into a lamp and then attached to a not-in-any-way-repurposed napkin dispenser, but I actually already have one." And if they do already have one, they probably don't have the really nice $1,200 version.
Swing Table
by Duffy London
£7,880 at Duffy London
Sure, the person you're shopping for has a table, and they probably have a couple swings as well. But when you already have everything, efficiency is extra important, and with this table you can kill two birds with one stone and get your swinging in while you have family time/eat dinner/probably spill everything.
Hairy Thing
by Thing Industries
£105.83 at Thing Industries
Even the makers of this product couldn't quite be bothered to figure out exactly what it is, though the description does elaborate that it's a "hairy ottoman-thing," not just a hairy thing. So, you can probably put your feet on it, if you want. Or whatever.
Earbud 18 Carat Rose Gold
by Happy Plugs
$14,500 at Happy Plugs
It really doesn't get much more unnecessary than a solid gold piece of jewelry that you stick inside your ear, though to be fair, at least this is something that you can use.
The Balloon
by The Balloon
€595 at The Balloon
Sure you have some chairs, and you might even have one of those rubber balls that you can sit on for exercise. But you do have a sitting ball that is made out of patent leather and is probably not meant for exercise and actually it's pretty unclear what it's meant for? Didn't think so.
Homo Sapien Chalkboard Skull
by iamhome
$46 on Amazon
For the record, you don't have to break the bank to buy something for the person who has everything (although it helps). You could also just buy them a human skull that you can write on with chalk.
Carl Aubock Oversized Paperclip
by Carl Aubock
$220 and up at Ode to Things
And everything comes full circle with this oversized paperclip from a "fourth-generation Viennese design workshop" that costs at least $220 and possibly more than $220. The perfect companion piece for your Nickeled Bronze Screw.
· Holiday Gift Guide [Curbed]