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Mad Men Real Estate Update: Don Has a Crappy Broker

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Things are finally looking up for Don Draper's sick Upper East Side penthouse, no thanks to his real estate agent Melanie and her no-good attitude. We meet Melanie for the first time in Sunday's episode (the series' third-to-last) as she scowls at Don and his indoor patio furniture and harangues him about getting the carpets replaced. They have exchanges like this one:

Melanie: Couldn't you rent a couple of pieces? It's so lonely.
Don: It's better. They can imagine their own things in it.
Melanie: Have you ever sold an apartment?
Don: I've sold a lot uglier things than this.
Melanie: Can you go? I don't want you crossing paths.

There are a couple things about this exchange. First of all, would it really be so terrible if some prospective buyers met Don Draper? "Oh no," they would probably say, "the man who currently owns this apartment is beautiful and successful and rich. Oh no, now he's talking to me in dulcet tones about the future and making wry remarks about losing all his furniture in a divorce. Oh no, now I'm signing the papers. This is terrible."

Also, Melanie, why don't you rent some pieces? Isn't that part of your job? Ever heard of staging? Let's all shed a tear for Melanie, whose hands are tied because she can't even imagine selling the glorious shell that is Apt. 17B at 783 Park Avenue.

Later, Melanie tells Don that selling the penthouse "requires too much imagination." "That's the best opportunity in the world," Don replies, Draper-ly. Then they say these things:

Melanie: I'm not a magician. I have to show it to people with their eyes open. And you know what it looks like? It looks like a sad person lives here. And what happened to him? He got divorced and spilled wine on the carpeting and didn't care enough to replace it. Even for himself.
Don: Don't blame your failure on me.
Melanie: This place reeks of failure.

Jesus Christ, Melanie. That is no way to talk to a client. Also, it seems like you might have some kind of history with Don, but the buyers don't, so maybe take it a little easier with them. There are no scenes in the episode where Melanie actually tries to sell the apartment, but if there was one, we imagine it would go like this:

Buyer: Sunken living room, huh? This is cool.
Melanie: Sunken like the soul of the man who lives here.
Buyer: Uh, right. So, you said there are two bathrooms?
Melanie: This place is a pit of despair.

Of course, in the end Melanie ends up selling the place, because the place is awesome.

Melanie: It's done. I did it. I don't know how, but they're signing.
Don: Right now?
Melanie: Asking price, thirty day escrow.
Don: Really?
Melanie: Now we have to find a place for you.

Noooooooo. See you next week, Melanie.
· Mad Men Real Estate Update: Things Go from Bad to Worse for Don Draper's Awesome Apartment [Flipped]
· Mad Men Is Back and Don Draper's Apartment Is Sadder Than Ever [Flipped]