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Dear Flipped,
I live by myself in a custom-built labyrinth designed by Daedalus. (Perhaps you've heard of him? Very famous architect where I'm from. Anyway, it's not important.) I used to have some reservations about the labyrinth mainly having to do with the circumstances surrounding my move (was trapped inside by the King of Crete, forced to abandon the security deposit from my last place—long story) but I've since grown to like it. My only problem is, people keep dropping by uninvited. That in and of itself is not the problem, since I end up eating them and that's what I do for sustenance, however they also keep scattering bread crumbs all over the place. So everything time I eat somebody, I then spend the next week cleaning up bread crumbs. I like to keep a nice, tidy labyrinth and I don't even like bread. What should I do?
Minotaur in Mediterranean Maze
***
Dear MMM,
Wait a minute. You're telling me that people show up to your house uninvited, just let themselves in, and then proceed to cavort around dropping bread crumbs all over the place? Well, first of all, you are perfectly right to eat them. If I were you, I would do more than eat them—I'd torture them first. That is seriously the most terrible thing I've ever heard. I only hope that your labyrinth is not carpeted.
As for what you can do, I'm kind of at a loss. If these people are rude of to behave this way in the first place, how are you supposed to talk any sense into them?
I'm almost too upset to think right now, but here are a few ideas:
- Hang up a few "No Bread Crumbs" signs. It doesn't seem that likely to work, but hey, it can't hurt, right? Maybe include some small print about how you have a bread allergy in at attempt to bestow some guilt on these monsters. Sure, it's a little white lie, but it's nothing compared traipsing into somebody's home and scattering bread all over the place.
- Have complementary balls of yarn at the entrance. I'm assuming that these people are dropping bread everywhere because they don't want to get lost, right? A more considerate way to do that would have been to use yarn, or string, which is a much easier cleanup. But I guess it would be too much to ask them to think of that.
- Invent the vacuum cleaner. I'm guessing you don't have a way to get a vacuum cleaner, but perhaps you could piece one together out of things you just have lying around the labyrinth. If you've never constructed an air pump out of rocks before, though, it can be a little tricky, and I don't know how handy you are.
Ultimately, this situation seems intractable and my real advice would be for you to just move. Preferably to a nicer area with much more polite neighbors. Sure, you new place might not be designed by Daedalus, but how much are you really willing to sacrifice just to be able to drop that guy's name?
Hope that helps,
Flipped
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