Dear Mayor Sadiq Khan,
I just read that you are looking to hire somebody to be the "Night Czar" of London, as part of an effort to rejuvenate the city’s flagging club scene.
I believe that I am the person for this job, and I would like to humbly throw my hat into the ring.
A little background about me: I am from the United States, but in college I spent a semester abroad in your great city and during my five-month stay I attended two separate nightclubs. I did not enjoy either of them, and even before I heard about this job opening I had a lot of thoughts about how to improve them.
1. Let people wear whatever shoes they want.
The first club I went to, the bouncer did not want to let me in because I was wearing Sambas. Who cares? One of my friends started to complain and he didn’t want to deal with it, so he gave up immediately and let me in and everything was fine. As Night Czar, I would institute a Sambas Are Fine policy, which would extend to all other types of shoes as well. If people want to wear sandals they might get their feet stepped on, but that’s really on them.
2. Turn the music down.
At both clubs I attended, the music was way too loud and I couldn’t hear anything anyone was saying. This made the experience of being in the club very boring. All the music should be half its current volume, at most.
3. Get rid of the bathroom guy.
One time I went to the bathroom in one of the clubs, and as I was leaving a bathroom attended materialized out of thin air and sprayed cologne in my face. Then I gave him a pound (the money, not a fist bump) and he handed me a lollypop. Neither of us said a single word during the interaction, and it made me feel weird. I hate to put anyone out of a job, but I can’t help but feel like this bathroom guy is an unnecessary expenditure for the club. We need to be thinking about our bottom lines here.
As Night Czar, my first order of business would be to get business cards printed that said "Night Czar" in big letters. My second order of business would probably be to buy some very shiny suits, as I imagine that is what a Night Czar wears.
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for the consideration.
Shortform Editor, Curbed